Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
