I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Randomize
