TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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