I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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