i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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