this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
we're making bets on your personal life
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
