If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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