I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
