I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
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