Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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