Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
