if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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