even my farts smell like vagina
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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