I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
that is very illegal...i love you.
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