I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
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