never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Randomize
