You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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