the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
