She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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