So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
