I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
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