You made me cry and you don't even care
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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