You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
