I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
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Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
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You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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