hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
So here I am, sexting at work.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
