I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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