How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
