dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Randomize
