nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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