I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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