I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
50% drunk capacity currently
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
