His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
He has the fingertips of a God
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