No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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