she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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