I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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