I swear god or herbie drove my car home
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Randomize
