your parents love me but you hate me
I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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