i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Randomize
