You can't special order awesome
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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