I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
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