and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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