So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
