hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
