does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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