you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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