I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
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can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
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Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
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