That's when you crack a 10am beer
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
