Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
