I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
