It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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