Where did you get a picture of my penis
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
We need to get me chipped asap
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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