I am midnight drunk by noon
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
