so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
