also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Say something about gay babies.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
