don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
