So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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