he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
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