Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
