i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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