piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
