From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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